sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize