I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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