I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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