Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
