Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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