we're chasing vodka with high fives
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I stole a fireplace last night.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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