gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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