There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
