How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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