how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
