Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
