I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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