So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
