A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
