I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
