we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Randomize
