I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
So much rum. So many feels.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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