There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize