i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
