Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
