Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
