Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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