He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
