Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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