you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize