Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
