I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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