Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
