She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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