I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
