just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
