I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
