i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
