So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
