She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
