Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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