I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
