he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
