Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
