Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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