I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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