it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
