Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
