I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize