nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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