this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
