I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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