i just wanna soil my oats bro
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
