Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
