i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
