So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
