11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He better not be in your backpack
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize