I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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