Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
