i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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