paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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