And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
