I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
