I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
