He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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