I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
