just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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