life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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