Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
