He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
