I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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