saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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