why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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