It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
