if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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